I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
