Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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