Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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