one might say we're banned from that church
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
