He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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