I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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