I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
