i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize