Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
