I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
