im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
