I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
