I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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