dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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