Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
