Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
