your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
