i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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