"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
