i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
