so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
