I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
