You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
