so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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