Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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