life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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