ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
