My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
