There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
