dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
