Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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