i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
