Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
