Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
