He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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