You can't motorboat a personality
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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