i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
