Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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