The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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