you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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