well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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