how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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