haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
