Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
