Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
