He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
