literally had 100 drinks last night.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she peed on how many people?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
