haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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