I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
