Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
