Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
