First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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