cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
