I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
