totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
