the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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