I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
